Regret

Regret.

A moment of reference.

A feeling of pain, sorrow, remorse.

An unplanned phenomenon that brings about a lesson. One worth learning?

Perhaps it is the rain that brings on this dark thankfulness topic. The falling motion of a lifeless entity that can bring about great change, destruction, life and consequence.

Perhaps rain is just like regret. One minute it is here and the next it is gone. The possibility of an occurance and when it does occur, it can cause infinite endings. One being regret.

Heavy?

Rain can be.

I dislike regret. It takes up time. It seduces me into believing I can change the past. Perhaps if I relive it enough I will somehow change that which continues to replay within my mind. If by some means I WILL change the past. Relieved and relived. But alas, I can not. And regret continues to consume my time.

Regret. I have many.

I regret the conversation I had in the office at two different employment scenarios. Pride and sarcasm got the better of me in both. One resulted in consequences out of my hand, the other however thankfully understood the immaturity of a drifted young girl finding her place in the corporate world.

My Father has only ever asked one thing of me. Just be happy. Be happy sausage he would tell me. Just be happy. I regret to inform you Father that I have failed you on multiple occasions.

I regret the conversation I had one evening with a group of friends. Where once again words did not match my intent or internal emotion of a struggling girl facing one of the biggest decisions of her life. Awful and inconsiderate things were said. And if only I didn’t say them.

They say regrets are moments of our lives where we wish we had done something different or perhaps said it a different way (maybe not say it all). They say those regrets are an opportunity to learn. A lesson in the wings. Because we were meant to be exactly where we were when the unplanned phenomenon was taking place without our awareness. Ignorant.

I regret wasting my time on a relationship that wasn’t worth the hassle. The conversations that were never had with parents. The need to portray, appeal and improve.

I regret my time spent on impressing others. Having the need to constantly prove I can be as good as you. I can be part of your group if only you saw past the unbleached hair, no brand named clothes and where I live. Please forgive my lack of intelligence and eager personality to prove I want to be your friend.

I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t think of something from my past that I wish I could change. And YES I am tired. I’m tired of the What-ifs and the Should-haves. And trust me I have tried to just let go. Accept the mistake, the could haves and the maybes and just move on. And maybe for a few days, weeks if I’m lucky the emotions associated with the regret reside. Giving me a moment to breathe. But then…..just when you think you are safe….a memory is recalled. You see a photo, you get a whiff of a distinct smell or a stranger walks by reminding you of someone. And then the rain starts to fall.

I regret the moment that I chose to let others decide for me. Passively and actively. For not taking the time and passion in planning a wedding that deserved to be planned. If only I could go back and change my dress. Had my hair differently. Taken the veil out. Was more organised. Decisive. Creative. If only I was the woman I am today and not the girl I was when I had the wedding. Perhaps then I could look at the photos in awe rather then with regret.

But that’s it isn’t it. All those times that I look back and regret, they are merely times that I was a girl just trying to find the woman within….me. I was just trying to find me. All those moments, spoken and unspoken words and bad choices of clothing, were really just me trying to fit in. Except fitting in never seemed to work.

And so it took one rolling regret, my northern star and the willing notion of a girl to help me find the sun.

The future still seems scary. And I will never be able to change those times that constantly grind the inner membranes of my brain. But I will be thankful for my regrets. Not for the lessons learnt (I think I could have learnt some of them other ways). But I am thankful that I found out who I am now and not in another 10 years and with the regrets that go with those years. I only hope I can continually grow into being the person I am suppose to be and not the person that needs to fit in. And I know I will still have many regrets in the future….but this time I’ll be making them for me as me.

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